And With His Death Came Great Suffering
by chatnoir
Summary: SV Jack's dead, Sydney's gone missing, and now the NSC knows that Sydney killed Sark's father. Where does Vaughn fit into all of this? Before episode 3.4 DISCONTINUED.
1. Prologue

Title: And With His Death Came Great Suffering  
Author: chatnoir  
disclaimer: _Alias_ is not mine, never was, and never will be... and I'd buy it off JJ... but I'm broke...   
rating: PG- PG13  
summary: Jack's dead, Sydney's gone missing, and now the NSC knows that Sydney killed Sark's father. Where does Vaughn fit into all of this?  
Spoilers: season 3, up to episode 4  
Timeline: somewhere after episode 3.4, but not that far into the future...  
Distribution: SD-1, ff.net, others: please ask

  
THIS IS A SPOILER FREE ZONE!, please respect the fact that I'm spoiler free and don't wanna know what might happen in future eps... plus remember that I'm west coast!   
  
a huge thank you to **Jasmine** for betaing this   
  
*initially posted on October 26, 2003 at 5:36 PM at SD-1*

  
  
  
Prologue  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Lauren? This is Eric. Is Michael there?" his voice was flooded with desperation.   
  
"Yeah, he's making dinner though."  
  
"Call him over, it's urgent from Dixon."  
  
"You can tell me first. I have authorized clearance."  
  
Clearly upset and angry at her answer, he replied, "It's a personal matter."  
  
"Fine." She set the phone down. "Michael! It's Eric."  
  
"Tell him to leave a message. The pasta sauce might burn," came Vaughn's voice from the kitchen.  
  
"He says it's urgent. And don't worry about the pasta, we have an oven, we can reheat last night's leftovers." Unfortunately, Eric heard it and winced, remembering Vaughn's recount of that special night years ago.  
  
Vaughn entered the study, trying to remain calm when in truth the remark sent chills down his body. He took the phone from Lauren and waited for her to exit the room before speaking into the handset.  
  
"Eric? What's up?"  
  
"Mike, something's happened."  
  
"What's going on? Is everything okay?"  
  
"No, everything's not okay. Jack Bristow was shot two days ago. A report just came through and confirmed it as a stray shot. It wasn't even directed at him."  
  
"What?" Surprise went through Vaughn's system. He never once thought the emotionless, indestructible, and proud elder Bristow would ever die of something so trivial. It never went through his mind. Something so simple as a shot— a bullet. He would have imagined the situation to be extraordinary, something big, an explosion maybe. He never thought it would be a _stray_ shot of all things. Never.  
  
"It's funny. Two years ago, another question might have entered your mind."  
  
"Yeah Eric, and what's that?"  
  
"Maybe something along the lines of, 'How's Sydney doing? Has she heard?'" Weiss mimicked Vaughn's voice.  
  
A brief silence. Vaughn was cursing himself for being so stupid. He knew that a simple "What?" would never fool Weiss' detection. He knew him too well… Weiss would always know that Vaughn would always be tormenting himself with thoughts of Sydney. A simple drop in the way he spoke, and Weiss would instantly know what thoughts were racing through his mind.  
  
"How is she?"  
  
"I don't know."  
  
"What do you mean YOU DON'T KNOW?" His voice rose in anger, in frustration.  
  
"I just don't know Mike. She was just told maybe two hours ago. No one's seen her since."  
  
"You're supposed to be looking after her. You promised me you would."  
  
"We've been trying to reach her!" Weiss' own patience was at the breaking point. He would not be targeted as the scapegoat on this one.   
  
"Eric, I know this isn't your fault, but I need to know, why are you calling me if you're trying to find her?"  
  
"You're the only one capable of finding her."  
  
"Fine. I'm on my way."  
  
As he was hanging up, Lauren came into the room again.  
  
"Michael. We need to talk."  
  
"Please not right now. There's something happening at work," Vaughn was trying to make it to the door as fast as he could.  
  
"I know. That's why we need to talk. The NSC has information that makes Sydney the primary suspect as the murderer of Lazarey," her voice trailed off with an ominous tone.  
  
Michael Vaughn's hand slipped off the doorknob.  
  
~ end prologue ~ 


	2. A Fateful Goodbye

A/N: I'm not happy with this chapter... sadly it's also the first chapter... however, a HUGE thanks to **Jasmine** for betaing it for me.  
  
Thank you to **YoungStarsOwner** and **leo's l'il sista** for reviewing! :)  


  
  
  
Chapter 1  
~ A Fateful Goodbye ~  
  
The sickening baby blue sky was dusted with fluffy clouds of undercover angels. Sunshine spilled on every place possible, raising the Santa Monica temperature into the nineties. Children and parents were laughing in the streets and in the sand; sandcastles were being built as waves broke onto the shore, effacing the footprints of couples in love. The irony of the pure joy and heavenly weather did not go unnoticed by the figure dressed in a black dress suit. Her hair blew in every direction, covering up her face, but allowing enough for everyone to see her beauty.  
  
A car pulled up to a space near the woman, but she made no motion of apperception or even hearing it. A man in his late thirties came out of the car, hesitating as he approached the woman standing on the pier who was looking out at the sea.   
  
"You know, I checked the observatory, the train station, the warehouse, the bluffs and palisades… and you weren't there."  
  
She dipped her head, a slow smile arising on her face.  
  
"You didn't really check all those places."  
  
"You're right. I didn't. The observatory is no longer a free admission so there are less people, you can't disappear there. The train station is closed for maintenance… there are no more normal people going to their normal jobs; well, unless you count the construction workers. The warehouse is now a meeting place for gangs, and the bluffs and palisades were burned in the fires of October 2003. The pier was the only place left; the only place not destroyed by time."  
  
"This place still calms me down after so many years."  
  
He stayed silent, knowing that she needed her time to speak. But he still wanted to rush her, tell her that they were coming for her. That she needed to leave, to vanish.  
  
"Did you know that this is where I fell in love with you?"  
  
His heart skipped a beat. They had never talked about this, not even when they were together. There had been no admittance of love. This was new ground; a path that should have been covered all those years ago.  
  
"Sydney…" there was a warning in his voice, slightly veiled by desperation.  
  
"You know… I've been thinking. Maybe I'm not really back. Maybe when this is all over, I'll disappear again, turn into another person and forget everything in this life. Maybe there's only one reason I'm back—to take down the Covenant. Maybe I'm not supposed to be interacting with the people I used to love, to the people I used to know even. It'll only get them killed. Maybe—"  
  
"Syd, stop. You know that's not true. You can't do this to yourself…"  
  
"And if it is true?" she threw back at him. "You don't understand this! You just don't understand it."  
  
"That's unfair Syd. I know what it's like to have my whole world turned upside down in one day! I know what it's like to try and take everything in stride, to try to keep everything normal. That day you died Sydney, that day changed everything. In those ten minutes. One minute I saw you, and then I didn't. After that explosion, you know what the firemen told me? It would have been instantaneous death; no one could have lived through it. I lost you, Sydney! I loved the woman I loved most in less than a second. Realizing that you might have died by yourself, all alone in that house, no one was with you. And I felt betrayed by everything and everyone, especially fate. And then I moved on, God decided to punch me again with reality. And then I got you back. It was faith deciding to throw things back at me, for not having enough faith in _us_. So don't give me that bulls*** about me not understanding what you're going through. I went through it twice. Sure, the circumstances might not be the same, but the feelings would be. Stop throwing the blame around."  
  
Beat.  
  
"I'm sorry Mi- …Va-… I'm sorry. There's just been too much going on. I've only been back five weeks and I feel like I'm about to drown. There's too much… it's too much. You know, when Weiss told me that Arnold Schwarzenegger was the governor of California, I thought he was joking. There's been too much change for me to cope with. Maybe I need a new environment, away from LA. There are too many memories here."  
  
"Sydney, you'll survive. You're still the strongest person I know." The need to hug her was tremendous; he had to force himself to remember the invisible barrier in between them.  
  
"You don't get it. My father was my strength these past weeks. And now he's gone. I don't have it anymore. I'm by myself now. Truly by myself. Maybe this is how all orphans feel."  
  
"You're not an orphan."  
  
"How do you know that, Vau-? How? For all purposes, my mother died when I was six years old. And we don't even know if Irina is still alive right now. I am alone." Tears were steadily streaming down her face, trickling so that the sun would catch it. A glimmer.  
  
"Sydney, your father wouldn't want you doing this to yourself. He would want you to stay strong."  
  
"My father _was_ my strength. And he told me that I was his. But now I've lost my strength. I don't have any left," she was choking on her tears, trying to keep the lump in her throat down.  
  
"You still have me," he quietly whispered.  
  
"You don't understand. I don't anymore. Maybe I never have."  
  
"No, you still do. You always have, and you always will." He was trying to stress it so hard that she still had him. No matter what happened, he would always be there for her.  
  
"You're married." She whispered while tears drenched her eyes.  
  
"So what? I'll be here whenever you need me."  
  
"You can't do that anymore. You can't. It's better if we just part ways."  
  
It felt like a blow to his stomach. He couldn't bear to have her leave again. Ironic considering that was what he was here to tell her to do.  
  
"Vaughn, you're married, you don't need me here. You have comfort—a type of comfort I was never supposed to have. You're happy, you're in love… hell, you're still classified as a newlywed. Why am I even here? I will not make your life hell… I will not let you choose between your wife and me."  
  
She looked up at him, finally able to look him directly in the eye.   
  
"Maybe I should leave the CIA. I should become a freelance. I won't have to meet with people I love and know. There will be no harm done to them. Maybe I only appeared again after dying to take down the covenant. There's no other reason. You've all moved on. I'm only holding you all back." She was going around in circles, but she couldn't stop herself. The words were just pouring out. "I saw you with your wife in the hospital after I stabbed you." She grimaced, remembering what she had to do. "You're in love with her."   
  
"Sydney…" he cut her off. Trying to prevent her from falling into the pit she was digging for herself. "I'm not in love with her the same way I was in love with you."  
  
She paused to think; a look passed over her face. She was remembering something. Something bittersweet. It was amazing how he could still read her like when they were together.  
  
"You know what I find ironic? The only time I hear you say some version of "I love you" would have to be in the past tense. You're not the same person that I loved, and I'm definitely not the same person you once loved. Maybe it's time that I let go of the past. Let go of my dreams and deal with the reality." Her tone was pensive and full of wonder, yet there was a thin lace of anger in the statement.   
  
He gripped both her shoulders. Heat immediately seared through both of them. It had been so long since they had touched each other. "Never give up a dream. Never. You once told me that what it all comes down to faith. Keep the faith Sydney."  
  
"Vau- … There is no reason to keep faith if faith is already dead. I've just begun to understand that."  
  
It hurt him to see her losing herself in all her own lies. "Your faith is not dead. It's just dormant right now. You'll see. You have reason for hope. I promise you. And Syd, you haven't been able to call me 'Vaughn' at all. Why?"  
  
"Because if I called you 'Vaughn,' it would bring me back to a period when you were mine. And you aren't mine anymore. And I can't call you 'Michael' because it would just remind me that you're Lauren's for forever. And right now, I don't think I can think about that."  
  
"Syd… I'll always be Vaughn. It's always been saved for you."  
  
"Don't say that. Not when you know you're not supposed to. Just don't say it anymore."  
  
A cloud passed over the sun, killing off the sunlight.  
  
Time all of a sudden had become significant again. He remembered why he was here. Sydney watched as his entire demeanor changed into his business mode.  
  
"Syd, the NSC knows you killed him; you have to run. Before they take you in for tests."   
  
"I've been thinking… Would it really be so bad? I'd finally know what happened those two years, other than Simon of course. He might have been lying through his teeth for all we know. If they tested me, I'd have the information to help you bring the covenant down. You could get back to a normal life with Lauren."   
  
"I won't let them do this to you, Syd. I swore I would always keep you safe. And I will not go back on that promise. Not even to bring down the Covenant. It would have to be some other way, a way not detrimental to you. I cannot lose you again, Syd." There was aggressiveness in his tone, and yet his words spoke otherwise about a love affair that just wouldn't end.  
  
"Don't worry about me, Vaughn. You have a wife waiting for you back home. Leave me be. You know what? Forget about me. Truly forget about Sydney Bristow. She only brought your life hell."   
  
"I would never be able to forget about you, Sydney."   
  
"Why not? Live your life properly. Don't try to remember me." She was determined, and he knew he would not get her to agree to anything else.  
  
"You're unforgettable Sydney. You were the love of my life."   
  
"Vaughn, don't sugar coat things. Leave it as a memory. And forget it."   
  
"If I forget you, will you promise to be safe?" His green eyes explored her sad chocolate ones.   
  
"Of course."   
  
They both knew that this was goodbye. The last time they would ever see one another.  
  
Slowly, Vaughn was just a breath away, and finally their lips met in one last passionate embrace.  
  
It was both sweet and tender, forgiving, and a promise.  
  
A goodbye.  
  
They both pulled back together, always moving together.   
  
He murmured a "be careful."   
  
He closed his eyes as he felt her hand wrap around his and gave it a quick squeeze. A breeze passed by and he knew she was gone.  
  
He bowed his head, knowing that that was going to be the last time he would ever see Sydney Bristow again, to touch her, to love her again. He had lied; he would always remember her, not as a memory, but as his soul mate.


	3. One Step Back

A/N: Huge thank you to **Jasmine** for betaing this chapter...  
  
I think my frustrations on Lauren really shows.. and I'm sorry if it offends anyone... but... yeah.... I'm just... an angry teenager.  
  
oh.. and I wanted to post this because well.. I'm afraid that JJ will be using the same procedure... so.. I wanted to get my idea out first... remember.. I'm spoiler free.. it might all be wrong.

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initially posted on Nov. 9 at 12:09 PM PST   
  
thank you to:

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TheUptownGirl: hmm… continue posting at sd-1 please! :P we only got like… 2 chapters! And I wanted more ;) thanks for reviewing though

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YoungStarsOwner: I'm glad you loved it!  


  
Chapter 2  
~One Step Back~  
  
_Flashback_  
  
"Michael. We need to talk."  
  
"Please not right now. There's something happening at work," Vaughn was trying to make it to the door as fast as he could.  
  
"I know. That's why we need to talk. The NSC has information that makes Sydney the primary suspect as the murderer of Lazarey," her voice trailed off with an ominous tone.  
  
Michael Vaughn's hand slipped off the doorknob.  
  
"What do you mean?" he questioned cautiously.  
  
"Michael, you lied to me."   
  
"And what exactly did I lie about?" delaying the inevitable.  
  
"You knew that Sydney killed him and you decided to not tell me."  
  
"I was under orders not to tell—" He tried to defend himself, but the anger in his wife's voice stopped him, cold.   
  
"I am your wife. You're not supposed to lie to me. And you are hindering my work on purpose. I was assigned to find the murderer. You knew and you decided to not tell me. You are supposed to report to _me_. I have authority on this case, Michael. And you withheld information. From your own _WIFE!_ I can get you reassigned. I can also get charges thrown on you. Withholding information, aiding a traitor."  
  
"You have no right to that. No jurisdiction—"  
  
Silence pervaded the hallway. The anger and tension was mounting. Weiss' words, _That's why you don't marry between agencies…_ was ringing through Vaughn's mind. _God, this conversation should be going on at the Task Force Center, where work belonged. It shouldn't happen at home. Home is for our personal lives, not our professional lives._ It was inescapable that their private and professional lives would crash though.  
  
"How did you find out? How did the NSC get information that it was Sydney?" Thousands of possibilities ran through his head, ranging from torture to a simple slip of a note to a high placed officer.  
  
"Julia Thorne," she threw out the words like they were the most despicable things known to mankind. Her face glowed with a triumphant look.  
  
Vaughn's forehead creased with curiosity and confusion. He started walking back to the living room, not able to stand the look on her face at the moment. "How do you know about Julia Thorne?"  
  
"Why? You know everything the CIA has on her anyway?"  
  
"I didn't ask about what the CIA asked. I asked about how _you_ found out about her." He was losing his patience with her. Extracting the necessary information from Lauren was like pulling teeth. And it wasn't her teeth that were being pulled.  
  
"Marshall had rerouted the video clip before he started the pixel sharpening. The out-routed computer was not connected to the government network. Because it was rerouted through the computer, it would save the encrypted information and can never be deleted. It's kind of like when you go to a website, the computer memorizes the web address and you can't ever delete it no matter how many times you empty the history or the temporary internet files."  
  
"How did he get the information?" He queried, but inside, he was berating himself. 'How come he couldn't help Sydney more? How come he could never protect her the right way? Why could he have not helped Jack more? Why didn't he search for Sydney after she went missing? Why didn't he believe Jack that it was necessary to keep searching? Why had he allowed her to go into her house by herself?' Ultimately, the question was, 'Why had he given up on her so quickly if he loved her like he knew he did?' Lauren's answer brought him back to the conversation.  
  
"Marshall hooked his PDA to the outside computer after detecting which one of the forty-seven it was. The flash memory chip had enough of the data of the clip. He then used another software he had designed to sharpen the clip. It wasn't as great as his previous one, and it took longer. But it still did a remarkable job. He found the words "Julia" being mouthed first by zooming in and restoring the movement of Lazarey's mouth. When the entire clip had been reworked, we saw Sydney's face. It's undeniable that she did it in my mind. But of course, the CIA wants a confirmation, and we can't do that without Sydney."  
  
"How come I wasn't informed of this?"  
  
"It was NSC, not CIA."  
  
"So there's a search going on for Sydney?" He kept his voice emotionless on purpose, trying to not betray his inner feelings to his wife.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"What are they going to do if she's found?" he inquired.  
  
"When, not if, Michael. Even the great Sydney Bristow can't avoid the methods the NSC uses to find people."  
  
"You mean the CIA will being doing all the footwork," he nearly scoffed.  
  
"No. We've enlisted the help of top Army strategists, the CIA, and the FBI."  
  
Shit. They were pulling out the best and with no limitations.  
  
"Why all the people if she's still in LA?"  
  
"Because she no longer is."  
  
"How do you know that for sure?" He knew Sydney. She probably wasn't even aware of these occurrences. Especially after the death of her father, she wouldn't be aware of what was going on around her.  
  
"We know." He was starting to hate her naïve attitude of 'The NSC knows everything.'   
  
"What's going to happen to her?"  
  
"She'll be undergoing some intensive testing to try and regain her memory." She replied hesitantly.  
  
"And those are?" He prodded.  
  
"It's an operation," she conceded. With Vaughn's quizzical look, she continued, "We'll be operating on her brain. The surgeons will attach small electrodes to her temporal lobes, most likely her memorial region. They'll be sending in 30 milli-volts of electricity to stimulate the neurons. It will hopefully manipulate her brainwaves due to the higher than normal electrical current running through her brain which forces the potassium sodium channels to open up quicker. They will also have small wires that they will be touching at certain identified areas on her brain. Her brain activity should rise above the normal ten percent, maybe even going up to fifty or sixty percent. She'll be given a shot before that would force her to answer all questions truthfully."  
  
"And she'll be awake for this? It sounds complete unethical." Vaughn's voice was of disgust. Lauren caught his tone.  
  
"Yes, Michael, she will be. It's a brain surgery. She'll be explaining to us what she remembers. And since she has a photographic memory, she should remember things quite clearly within those two missing years. They're also trained surgeons. They've practiced this type of thing before," she replied quietly, trying to reassure him that everything will be okay with her manner.  
  
"You mean they've never done this operation before?" Why was he not surprised? The NSC was going to any lengths to gather the information they needed. His voice was strained, "What are the side effects of this surgery?"  
  
She didn't answer.  
  
"Lauren, what are the side effects of this surgery?" His voice made her fear him. She rarely saw him in this mood, and when he was, they usually decided to stay away from each other until he calmed down. But this time, she wasn't able to escape this situation.  
  
She quietly said, "Possible brain damage, paralysis, even death. But… she'll forget everything after the surgery."  
  
"What do you mean by everything?"  
  
"She won't remember anything that happened in her life. It's the main side effect of the surgery."  
  
"And if this surgery doesn't work, you do realize that you're going to be wasting the best goddamn agent the agency has ever seen?"  
  
"Damnit Michael, you have too much personal connection to this."  
  
"So what if I do. What you're going to be doing to her is completely unethical. You're going to be killing her Lauren. Who gives you the right to play with someone's life like this?"  
  
"You need to stop thinking of her as your ex-girlfriend. She's the enemy now. She's going to be arrested anyway. Her methods are completely unorthodox, and can be held for threatening her superior."  
  
Silence clouded the once homey room. They sat there, glaring at each other. Vaughn's mind was racing through the places that Sydney could be. He was going to save her, even if it meant his job, maybe even his marriage. He was going to save her because it was the only way he could repay for not doing enough before.  
  
"I forgot to mention, Marshall also found something interesting."  
  
"What's that?" Vaughn remarked. He voice was resigned, his attitude was in a hostile mode. They had found out that Sydney had killed Lazarey. It would only be a matter of time before the NSC located Sydney. They will find her and operate on her, and they wouldn't care what would happen to her. She would probably just be disposed of afterwards, after they got the information they wanted.  
  
"It appears that someone downloaded a virus onto AD Dixon's computer, which stopped the restoration of the first video clip on Marshall's computer. AD Dixon denies any knowledge of doing the act himself. Nevertheless, he has been detained until further evaluation." There was a superior tone to her voice. The rivalry between the two agencies on this case had been astronomical. Now the NSC had finally caught up to the CIA, and Lauren had finished her first successful assignment. He should be happy for her. But he couldn't be because it clashed with his private life. It was either side with Lauren and be cooperative with the NSC or to help Sydney escape and assist the CIA in destroying the Covenant.   
  
"If Dixon is detained, who's in charge?"  
  
"You're looking at her."  
  
"You're not CIA."  
  
"Doesn't matter. Director Lindsey has put me in charge of operations as of thirty minutes ago."  
  
_End Flashback_  
  
  
  
* I have no idea what I was talking about with the surgery... just making sure you know that  
  
** I also have no clue about computers... so... forgive me if that's all wrong as well. 


	4. Humbug

A/N: thanks to **demon** for betaing. and thanks to all of you for leaving such great reviews... I know how you all loved how I portrayed Lauren as a... insensitive fool, but she's not. and as much as I wish she was... I really really tried to re-humanize her in this chapter.... and I know it's not really working

Thank you to 

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The Uptown Girl: aww… I would beg you to continue posting at sd-1 (because most of sd-1ers decide to stay far away from ff.net...) but… I understand about the confusion… sure did take me a while to figure it out completely as well ;) I'll definitely catch up on reading and write a review… just… need to get past finals…

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valley-girl2: … talk about stalking… I check my e-mail and I see… 3 from ff.net and one from you! :P and well… technically, they were all from you. Hehe… and well… I was saving this chapter… because it was the last one I wrote, so that means I have to write another one soon… hehe. And believe me when I say this, I can take me months to update :P hope you enjoy it!

Seems like you guys are all caught up with sd-1… ;) 

  
  
Chapter 3  
~ Humbug ~   
  
Michael Vaughn sat at his desk rifling through the mail he had conveniently not read at the breakfast table this morning. Lauren and he had gotten into another fight, and consequently he wanted to avoid her at every opportunity he got. It had been harsh, raw, and deeply bruising. But he knew, at the end of the day, she would be the one he still came home to. And as unhealthy as their fights were, they still loved each other.  
  
Lauren had been head of operations for three weeks and so far, most of her mission objectives have failed. Weiss had been surprised when he heard Lauren was to replace Dixon, had even asked if it was allowed. However, no one was really shocked when Lauren, or 'Assistant Director Reed' as she was called at the Task Force Center, announced that Director Lindsey had the President of the United States sign his approval on the order, therefore annulling the complaints of the CIA director to quiet the objections. There had been grunts of dissatisfaction. Mutterings that she wasn't qualified for the job, didn't know the ropes of the work they did, and was female. And of course, the legality of the position was questioned. The water cooler and coffeepot rumors all whispered that she slept with Lindsey. Other busybodies quickly spread the word to the main CIA building. They were all ignored. This resulted in an agitated, angry, frustrated Lauren Reed.  
  
The quiet ambiance of the Task Force Center at seven AM was the perfect place for Vaughn to run off to. He lifted up a large white ordinary envelope, one that could be found in any post office around the nation. There was a slight lump in the envelope. Thin, long, and a bit rounded. _Bomb,_ was the first thought that flitted through his mind, but he cast it aside immediate. All personnel and their belongings were screened when they came through the door. Knowing that it was safe to open, he picked up his letter opener and slit one side. A Kings pen rolled out.  
  
_"You like hockey, right? The Kings?"   
  
"Yeah, how'd you—"   
  
"The pen you keep in your briefcase. It's a Kings pen."   
  
"Yeah, I got that—"  
  
"They're playing the Islanders next week. We should go."  
  
Vaughn brightened with hope. His heart was racing at the thought of going on a date with Sydney Bristow. Then his face fell as he realized what she was doing.   
  
"Sydney, you can't do this."_  
  
The memory always brought a smile to his face. Moments like those were the ones that he treasured her most. Maybe he took her for granted after the fall of SD-6. Maybe that was why he was losing her again. They had cherished the moments they had together back then. Held them like touchstones close to their hearts. They lived each moment, waiting for the next time they could meet again.   
  
But that was then. And this is now. She was hopefully safe. After Lauren had stepped up the search for Sydney, Vaughn had had sleepless nights. He would lay awake next to Lauren and stare up at the ceiling, remembering, or walk down to the couch and relieve the Kings game Sydney and he had gone to.   
  
He peeked inside the envelope and found several leaflets of paper. There was a letter on top; underneath, he found locations, information, and a picture. He looked back at the letter.  
  
_Boyscout~   
  
This is the information you need to find Kevin Lynbrook.  
  
I'm safe._  
  
It was unsigned, but the Kings pen gave her away. It kept her safe. Only he would understand what the pen meant.   
  
He took out his cell phone.   
  
"Weiss."  
  
"Eric, it's Mike. We have a lead on Lynbrook."  
  
~~~  
  
"Michael, how did you capture him?" Lauren asked, standing at the observation window, watching Lynbrook be interrogated.   
  
"We apprehended him coming out of a building. Eric took one arm, I took the other, and we shoved him into a van full of CIA agents," he answered, also looking through the glass, evading her attempts to catch his eye.  
  
"You know that's not what I meant, Michael. How did you know he was there?"  
  
"The coordinates told me he was there."  
  
Lauren was getting visibly frustrated. Her eyes grew harder and her eyebrows formed a knot. "Michael." She didn't continue until he turned towards her. "Where did you get all that information? The CIA doesn't have those types of resources and people to actually find that man. He has connections around the globe whose lips are all sealed. He's been connected to the 9/11 attacks and the bombing of the Paris embassy in 2004. How did you do it?"  
  
"A unsanctioned anonymous source told me." He told her, looking back into the interrogation room. He hated lying to his wife, so he had to _stretch_ the truth…just a little.  
  
"You went by an _unsanctioned_ source? You could have been killed!"  
  
He looked at her with a glacial visage, "But I wasn't."  
  
"And I guess it's because you trusted your source. Now… how many people do you really trust in your life. I can count that on one hand, Michael. I think it's pretty obvious who your source was. It took you four days to plan the mission. Or that's what Eric put on his report. But it didn't really take that long did it? How long did it really take? Two days? Three days?"  
  
"I don't have time for this anymore, Lauren. I need to go interrogate the terrorist I caught."  
  
He started walking towards the interrogation room's soundproof door.  
  
"Do you not have time for your superior anymore or your wife, Michael?" her tone was condescending, the fury was not well hidden.  
  
He stopped. Lauren watched as his shoulders sink with disappointment of her low blow. Taking in a deep breath, Vaughn continued walking towards the door. Not sparing her a backward glance. The pale gray walls of the hall seemed to collapse on Lauren's slim frame.  
  
~~~  
  
Stepping into the room, he was greeted by a ball of spit landing by his foot.   
  
Looking down and then up at the man who produced the spit, he said, "Mr. Lynbrook, I'm Agent Michael Vaughn with the CIA—"  
  
"Ahh… so this is the man Sydney dreams about all the time." The man at the chair had an obnoxious grin on his traitorous face.  
  
The sentence caught Vaughn off guard as a chill streamed down his spine. "Excuse me?"  
  
"You know, Sydney Bristow."  
  
"What about her?" His interest in the suspect jumped greatly _HeknewSydney… HeknewSydney… HeknewSydney… Howisshe? Isshestillsafe? Doesshestillloveme? Iloveyousomuch. Staysafe. Ican'tlivewithoutyou. Youneedtostaysafe._  
  
"I don't understand you, man. How can you give up on someone like her? She's beautiful, man. Did you know she dreams about you all the time? She cries in her sleep."  
  
This wasn't the news he wanted to hear. The selfish part of him rejoiced, but the rest of him… the rest of him wanted to die. He never wanted to cause her pain. She deserved to be happy and at peace. He had begged God or whatever deity up there to bring her back. He would have sold his soul for her to be happy again; he had promised that he would stay out of her life if she ever came back—he just had to know that she was alive and safe. He would sacrifice anything for her to be happy, to see her smile. And now she was back in life… but in so much pain. And he was the cause of that pain.  
  
He pinched his nose ridge. Kevin Lynbrook was obviously enjoying his momentary control over the Agent's emotions for Sydney.   
  
"What do you know about the Flash chip patent 3247?" Vaughn had snapped back into agent mode after taking five deep breaths.   
  
"Why should I tell you? I know that once I get out of this room they're gonna throw me in a cell. And you know what? Forty years is a very very long time for a man my age to be living in a cell." His hinting was beyond obvious.  
  
"I'll make a deal with you, Mr. Lynbrook. I can make it twenty eight years. And that's a more than generous offer."  
  
"Now you're speaking my language, Mr. Vaughn."  
  
"I'll repeat the question. What do you know about the Flash chip patent 3247?"  
  
"The Man has it." There was an insincere smile pasted on his face.  
  
_Irina Derevko. When will the charade ever end?_  
  
"Do you know where Derevko's base is?"  
  
"You need to find Bristow for that."  
  
"And why would I need to find Sydney?" _I can't find her. I made her a deal. I can't break my promises… _  
  
"She's joined The Man's operations… or have you not heard? That girl's been around… She's been helping The Man build up her new organization. And they're partners. I was supposed to find information from the Covenant." Vaughn's blood chilled for the second time today. _She's trying to find information about her missing two years. She's helping her mother…_  
  
"What else do you know?"  
  
"The personal or professional life of Sydney Bristow?"  
  
Vaughn's eyes narrowed. "What are you saying?"  
  
"Do you want to know the personal or professional life of Sydney Bristow? Because I have loads to tell."  
  
"Do you know who sent you in here? Who tipped us off?"  
  
"Why would I want to know. All that matters is that this is where I am now. I'm not stupid. I'm going to find my way out. Easy enough. My loyalties are flexible. But if it matters… I know it was Derevko. And I'm not afraid of her. I know how to escape her as well."  
  
A whoosh of air rushed out of Vaughn's lungs. Sydney was still safe.   
  
"Professional life." He wouldn't invade her personal life. It belonged to her, and only her. He no longer played a part in that life…  
  
"She's an assassin. She kills for pleasure. Easily and swiftly. She's happy when she kills. She's killed CIA, Covenant agents, MI-5, any agency you think of, she's done it. I've seen her do it. It's not with a gun. She uses a knife."   
  
Vaughn couldn't accept the possibility. _No, she's not like that. He's pulling your string. And if she is, she has a good reason. They cannot be innocent people. She has a good reason._ And even though Vaughn knew Lynbrook was most likely lying, he was drinking in all the information he can on Sydney. He just had to know. It was a thirst that couldn't be quenched.  
  
Lynbrook kept on going. "At night she screams your name. She has five men she rotates between every night. They don't leave until the morning. And wouldn't you know it Agent Vaughn. I was one of those five men."   
  
Vaughn turned heated eyes on Lynbrook. He pulled him up by his shirt and slammed him against the wall.  
  
"What did you just say?" _It can't be true. He's been lying this entire time. He can't be telling the truth…_  
  
There was a calm look in Lynbrook's eyes. "She screams your name when she comes."  
  
"Next time, get a deal written in writing," Vaughn whispered.  
  
He then punched Lynbrook hard…all he saw was blackness, anger, hate, and blood.

A/n: I know you guys absolutely hate it when I do this… but… 2 reviews for a chapter… :( even though they were awesome reviews… how about 3 for this chapter and I'll be sure to update Saturday? ::wink::


	5. Knots and Shackles

A/N: thanks to **Jasmine** for the awesome beta... and to my non-alias friend **elle** for a quick grammar question  
  
I know I said Saturday… so I'm so sorry! I couldn't find my beta… then I rewrote the entire chapter… because of some… inaccuracies. So… this is what I'll do… I'll put up another chapter of Lost in Loneliness AND put up a new fic called Bright Lights… hopefully… you guys won't kill me for the delay. ;) (but maybe for other reasons ::whistles::)

Thank you to:

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alias4ever: I'm glad you like it! :) hehe… I loved the pen…sigh… that scene will always replay over and over in my head! Thanks for reading

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liz: hehe… I know the story line is shaky… Lauren really is not that mean. I love mind games… :) thanks for reading

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valley-girl2: now that is one long review. ::blink:: hmm… I was so …appalled by being stalked… that my stalkers decided to call it _loitering_ over at sd-1. ;) hehe. But… hounding works too. I guess. Hehe… when did I kill Lauren off? ::scratches head:: I don't remember doing that… although I've killed Sydney a bunch of times… sigh. I have some type of Freud complex… I just don't know which one it is. :P silent pining… gah… I miss that! Hehe… yes, my inbox definitely demonstrated an influx of e-mails recently… ;) I'm glad you liked the fight scene. hmm… maybe you should calm down on the caffeine? Lol. As you said… 2 cups might be a bit much for before 4 PM? 

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jennycraig10: hmm… what if sydney really wasn't like that? Thanks for reading.

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Sara: :) I'm glad you want more!

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valley-girl2: hehe. You're funny… if you ever want to just say "hi" feel free to just e-mail me ;) hehe…

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LilyoftheValley4: hmm… I know I've done an excessive amount of .. err… character betrayal on Lauren's part. But… in truth, it's to kinda make up for what's going to happen on later. You'll see what I mean… because… it all has a meaning… There is a reason why she is acting the say she is. And you have to understand, she doesn't know how to handle her power yet. It's too new for her. It's something she has yet to experience properly. Her boss is also someone who loves to abuse. She's going to be using him as a role model of sorts. But she'll settle in eventually as she sees how people react to her commands. Hehe. :) And Sydney ranting and raving… well… I was hoping to depict her in self pity actually (it's kinda a theme in all my storys sadly enough). She's out of her mind… going crazy because she's constantly struggling to appear happy when inside she's a mess. Add that to the fact that her father just died.. well… it really was a play off some words Jack Bristow said to Sydney in episode… 3.2 or 3.3… "You were my strength" or something. Well… I hope that explains some of the reasons I did what I did. ;) thanks for reading and being truthful with your comments.

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Chapter 4  
~ Knots and Shackles ~ (a few months into the future…)

  
  
Sydney Bristow couldn't sleep. Her bed was empty and cold. The silver moonlight drew a path into her room. The shadows seemed to dance around her bed, mocking her insomnia.   
  
Finding out what happened to her during those two missing years made her angry. She still couldn't remember what happened. All she knew was by interviews from reliable sources. Knowing the CIA was behind her disappearance killed her. Contradictory to what she should feel, she still loved her country. So she still fought for them. She wanted to make the world a safer place for children in the future. Maybe even her progeny. But the knowledge that the CIA stripped everything away from her hurt her.   
  
Anger burned inside her. The result was an agreement with the NSC.   
  
A month ago, she had killed two CIA agents. She had known them and had trusted them at one time in her life. In fact, they had both been on the infiltration team for SD-6. They were the ones who had provided her with information from the LA field office and joint task force building. She had found them easy to break. She had sat there for days, using a desensitization chamber to make them talk. She broke them by using their senses against them, by messing with their minds. It disgusted her that she had to kill them. They told her that Lauren had become the director, replacing Dixon. A move that Sydney actually liked. Dixon had ruled with too much emotion. Lauren, however, lived in an idealistic world, but could also keep her emotions in check. She believed that everyone had the best intentions and interests for the US. She was also very patriotic. What she lacked in experience, she conquered with intuition.   
  
For the past weeks, Sydney had been observing the operations CIA field agents have been carrying out. With the help of an undetectable bug placed in the building by one of her mother's employees, Sydney now had complete information on what would happen. Lauren's plans for what happened for each operation should have been successful, if only the operatives on the missions followed the plan. But for every mission, the operative thought he knew more than Lauren did, had more sense, and decided to go freelance. The outcome had been disastrous. If Sydney had not been there, some of the men would never have made it out. Although the men returned with no recollection of what happened, they were alive.  
  
Lauren had a fairly good sense of what was to come. She sometimes questioned Director Lindsey's orders, but usually followed through with them. It was obvious that she hated Lindsey though. The orders were placed on the burner, waiting until it was imperative for them to go through. And when the missions were planned, the green agents were the ones placed on them.   
  
The agreement had been simple. Lauren was to stay on as the task force head, but all missions had to be looked over by Vaughn. Just in case. She would then turn in some of the most wanted criminals in her mother's organization. And she had. She knew that Kevin Lynbrook would probably deride Vaughn with untrue stories, but the amount of knowledge he knew should overlook that fact.   
  
Lauren would probably never believe that the woman she was trying to capture was the one responsible for her stay as the head of the Joint Task Force.  
  
Vaughn and Lauren were a remarkable team professionally, she conceded. Not as brilliant as she and Vaughn had been, but they worked well enough. Vaughn had the experience that Lauren lacked. And Lauren didn't let Vaughn rule with emotion. It worked. Personally however… Sydney knew their relationship lacked something.  
  
Turning in her bed, letting the covers rustle, her thoughts landed on Michael Vaughn.  
  
She knew she would never see him again, but the secret desire and hope still blossomed. Remembering his smile, the one that she always thought of as hers, made her heart ache. In the time she had been home, she had not seen him use that smile on Lauren, and in some ways, it lightened her heart. Knowing that he still loved her and knowing that she couldn't go back clawed at her heart. Reliving that last kiss… it was only in her dreams that she truly lived.  
  
Sometimes, she wished what she was still Julia Thorne, if only to take away all her pain. She would be blissfully unaware of her heartache. The fact that she was a cold-blooded killer might make up for that fact.   
  
With Vaughn in her thoughts, she allowed her eyelids to slip shut.   
  
Her sleep was filled with memories of before when her life made at least some sense. When Vaughn and she met in dark warehouses. In those days when she wanted to throw him against the chain-link fence and kiss him, when a simple Christmas gift held all the emotion they could speak of. Suddenly, a black fog descended on the scene playing out in front of her. Replaced were scenes of a burnt out house. Vaughn was crying in the ashes, holding the remains of a silver antique frame.  
  
A loud knock interrupted her life in unconsciousness.  
  
"Sydney? Honey?"  
  
"Yeah Mom?"  
  
"We need to go. Are you ready?"  
  
She looked over at her alarm clock and realized that it hadn't gone off, even though the set time had gone past.   
  
"Give me twenty minutes."  
  
~*~*~  
  
"Michael, can you look at this for a second?"  
  
"Sure, Lauren. What do you need help with?"  
  
The day in the JTF had been boring to say the least. Pouring over maps, going over missions, and meetings with analysts was not something he was fond of doing anymore. Gone was the excitement of saving a life, of saving Sydney from Sloane, the Alliance, and SD-6. Lauren was a welcome distraction.   
  
"This picture came through the system today. No one knows how it got in. Marshall and Carrie are currently doing a search to see if they accessed any other files other than my e-mail account."  
  
Lauren handed the print out over to her husband.  
  
Vaughn took one look at the picture and his face blanched. "I know this design."  
  
The complicated building plan was compartmentalized in his mind. Lauren looked at him questioningly.   
  
He answered, "It looks like the science labs Sydney went to in Fleury. Only… they were destroyed months ago."  
  
"Are you sure they were destroyed?"  
  
"Yeah… I'm pretty sure… I'll pull up the file. Hold on."  
  
As Vaughn typed in his access code when the log on screen came up, Lauren asked, "So what are our plans for tonight?"  
  
"Well… I was kinda hoping for a peaceful night at home…"  
  
"Okay… and what do you want to do at home?" a playful suggestive tone was evident in her voice. She leaned in for a quick kiss.  
  
"We'll have to play by ear, sweetheart."  
  
The computer beeped to let the distracted viewers know that the settings have been completed. Vaughn turned and looked back at the screen. He then opened the network and searched for the mission.  
  
"It's definitely the same building Sydney infiltrated. You can see that the designs are exactly the same." Pulling up another window, Vaughn searched for the building. "But the reports all say that the building was destroyed."  
  
"Then these plans are faulty."  
  
"No, they might not be. They might be new plans for another building… or… Lauren, did the e-mail say who this was from?"  
  
"Let me go check."  
  
Vaughn followed her back to her office. His thoughts were on fire. If his suspicions were confirmed…  
  
"It says bluebirds6," she said.  
  
_Blue bird… blue bird… OH!_ "Hold on, let me check up on something," he replied in a daze. Walking out of her office, Vaughn went to go find Weiss. "Eric, we need to talk."  
  
Weiss saw the look in his eyes, and knew immediately where to go after giving Vaughn a two-minute head start.   
  
Once Weiss was in the part of the building that he had once called The Flirting Corner, he asked, "What's going on, Mike?"  
  
"I think Sydney just contacted Lauren by e-mail."  
  
Weiss was the only one Vaughn told after the meeting on the pier. After the capture of Kevin Lynbrook, he had to spill about where he was getting his information. Naturally, he told Weiss simply because he knew Weiss would never do anything to harm Sydney. Although Vaughn didn't trust Weiss with her life, he trusted Weiss with his own. "What did she say?"  
  
"She didn't say anything. She just sent a picture of a blue print of a building—"  
  
"Did you get it analyzed?" Weiss interrupted.  
  
"No, I didn't. I actually recognized it. It was a building in Fleury. The science labs."  
  
"Have you told Lauren yet?"  
  
"I didn't tell her that I think it was Sydney."  
  
Weiss nodded his understanding. His friend was in an impossible situation. He loved both woman, although one more than the other. But, being a man of loyalty, he would never betray his vows. Sometimes, Weiss hated Vaughn for being a man of his word. Other times, he just thought Vaughn needed to eat pizza and get drunk, if only to stop making him mull over the two woman.  
  
"What do you think she was trying to tell us?"  
  
"I don't know… It could mean that she is going to Fleury… or it could mean that something important is going to be found there. Maybe it might be another one of Irina Derevko's important operatives. There are so many possibilities." Vaughn sighed.  
  
"You know… maybe I could ask Lynbrook." Weiss suggested.  
  
"You won't let me near him, will you?"  
  
Weiss laughed. "And risk you punching him half to death? Even though he deserves it? Nah, your wife would kill me first."  
  
"Fine. Ask him. But don't mention me… if he makes another crack about Syd again, I'll murder him."  
  
Weiss didn't take his friend's threat lightly, knowing in all probability that he would.  
  
"Mike, you do know that what he said about Sydney was not true right? She wouldn't do anything like that."  
  
Vaughn closed his eyes, reliving the nightmares those words Lynbrook said to him had created. "Yeah, I know. But it doesn't help any."   
  
Weiss looked at his friend, worried. After a short pause, he said, "I'll go talk to Lynbrook now. But try to control yourself. You won't be helping Sydney any if you're kicked off the task force."  
  
~*~*~  
  
Moments later, Weiss came out of the interview room. "So I guess we're going to Fleury?"  
  
Vaughn looked back at him with a determined stare. "Yeah… I guess it's to Fleury… but we need to tell Lauren something… something that doesn't have to do with Sydney…"  
  
~tbc~  
  
  
A/N2: anyone who wants to kill me... get in line…. Right after me.


End file.
